Finding Myself

I've told you all before, I've always been a blogger. I have been posting in my "Deadjournal" since the ripe age of seventeen. 

Recently, I reread my journey from 2002 and on. And it leaves me speechless. Rather, I say, "Wow." I was boy-crazy, immature, had low self-esteem, struggled with family, friends, and God, ultimately trying to find myself along the way. But I feel like I've overcome, whatever it is called, being beautiful and accepting where I am in life.

I think having a "normal" childhood would lend to typical woes along the teenage and college years. Typical circumstances: boyfriends, independence, success, etc. But I hardly had that. 

When I was eleven, my family left my mom in New Jersey to better ourselves. Leaving my mom to decide to join us and leave her alcoholic tendencies or stay in New Jersey and be deprived of any family with us. 

What did she choose? Alcohol. Her paramour. Leaving behind three children and a husband of almost 20 years.

Not only from the age of eleven did I have to struggle with no longer having a mother in my life, I also had to find acceptance and friendships in a foreign land, Florida. Whatever sense of comfort and peace I had known was no longer there, even at times I questioned why my dad decided to do this. 

Thankfully, two years after we moved to Florida, God directed my steps to a wonderful group of friends. I'm not sure where I would be today without the support of them. On a regular day at school, this group of girls (whom I had just recently started to get to know) began sharing the gospel with one of their guy friends. He wasn't terribly interested in what they had to say, but I on the other hand. I was so intrigued by this God who loved you no matter what (at this point I clearly needed to be loved because I was that "girl who didn't have a mom"), who wanted to forgive your sins and spend eternity with you. I prayed with the girls and accepted Jesus into my heart. I started going to church youth group with them on Wednesday nights and received counseling from the youth pastor about my parents divorce. 

Throughout high school and college, I sought acceptance and love from whomever would give it. I also expected loyalty, from any and all I confided in. My deepest struggle was allowing anyone to get close to me. I'm a listener by nature, so sharing was never a strength. So I always allowed others to open up to me without reciprocating the relationship. This type of relationship is great if you're trying to close a business deal or wanting to know the latest gossip. People love to talk. I believe there are more "talkers" in the world than there are "listeners." I also didn't open up to those around me because I had been burned. If the one person who was supposed to love me no matter what, my mother, could abandoned me, why would anyone want to accept me with my flaws? I think my listening nature plus the hurt I endured from my mother, led me to be closed off to so many who did truly accept me throughout these years.

Reading through those ten years of journals, I wanted so much to have that guy to rely on. In fact, I tried so hard to rely on him that I often neglected relying truly on God. It's so funny, becoming a Christian early in life (because let's be honest, age 12 is pretty early in life) you always hear, "Only God can fill the hole in your heart" or "Man will not meet every expectation." Why didn't I remember those throughout those years? Looking back now, God clearly slapped me in my face on numerous occasions to say, "Kim, **** will not fulfill you, only I can." (**** being any name or *him* nickname I decided on for my new crush.) In my journals, I struggled almost daily with the fact that my own boyfriend didn't want to spend time with me. Yet ignoring the whispers of God saying, "Just spend some time with me." 

Thankfully, I did have some tremendous friends who I could connect with. And even though at the time, I only saw half of these friendships as valuable, I can look back now and thank numerous friends who stood by me. Friends that no matter where they are in life today, I can look at and admire, smile, and show my appreciation for them sticking it out with me. Even though I was surrounded by groups of people in high school and college, I never felt like I had enough acceptance. I always felt like I was the outcast, the one who "didn't grow up in the church" or have christian parents. Although no one said that, it was my inner demons reminding me that I'm not good enough. And I so often let those demons win me over. I always needed to prove something to someone. 

I had leaders who were willing to love me and invest their life into me, even when I didn't want it. There was never a time in high school when a women mentor wasn't asking to meet with me and love on me. I still have fond memories of the movie, "Ever After" because of Michelle Beckman, or cook using balsamic vinegar because of Cassie Peterson. I'm so appreciative of their love and being that godly example of what a mother is supposed to be like, because I didn't have one. 

I reflect today and the past several months. I'm so blessed to be on that journey, because everything led me to where I am today. But I am more grateful that I understand my past journey and use them as life lessons for my family. 

Still today, I have to push those demons back and say, "Get behind me satan." I am constantly reminded that the devil prowls around looking for that little foothold in my life. But, overwhelmingly reminded that I am a beautiful and loved child of God through my own children, my husband, my friends, my church.

 Although I am far from perfect, I am confident, intelligent, and loved. I am accepted for who I am today by the only one who matters in this world! God has brought me through so much and because of my journey, I am a proud leader in many different venues, able to share my story and the many facets it entails. 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17